Piercing The Clouds Part 4
As Kiyoshi entered Keima's house for the second time, he shook the cloud that threatened to settle when he got an answer from his mother.
They went up to Keima's room and leisurely played a few rounds of a racing game until they were called to eat.
"Itadakimasu." Four voices echoed, Keima's father having arrived when they were coming down.
Kiyoshi munched on a steamed potato and suppressed a moan. The thin, hard skin balanced with the soft inside melted in his mouth.
"It's so good~"
He heard a female chuckle and snapped out of his trance, looking down at his dinner as Keima's mom thanked for the compliment.
Dinner went on, Kiyoshi preferring to savor the food rather than participate in the warm chatter Keima started. After all, it wasn't often he ate at someone else's house, and part of him wished this wasn't the last time. His mother's food tasted bland at home, but when he was forced into social gatherings at her workplace, it was heaven. Especially the sweets. Oh, the sweets.
"Oh my, are you enjoying my food that much, Kiyoshi-kun?" Keima's mom asked.
Kiyoshi blushed at the thought he was making a funny face. "Ah-um-I-I am enjoying it. . ." Kiyoshi nodded to assert his answer as truthful. It was really tasty.
"My cooking is nothing compared to Sayuri-san's so I'm happy you like it," she said in an honest manner. However, there was sadness underneath, as if she would never be able to compete against his mother. Could the cooking of a housewife compare to the cooking of a professional chef? He couldn't answer and it saddened him.
Keima, as if to dispel the gloomy mood, praised her mother's cooking to be the best, and his father soon followed.
Kiyoshi turned away, his eating pace slowing. Was it him or he was the cause of the problem in the first place? As his mother's son, he carried her reputation, her name, and everything she stood up for. That was the cause of the woman's anguish. Again, he was aware what it meant to be his mother's son: the poison that withered the flowers around him.
It was seven p.m., and Kiyoshi had accepted to stay over for tea. Although coffee was his daily fuel, he liked both: coffee was his hook to reality when he had to stay overnight for homework, a reminder he was growing up, and a link to his father who adored the drink; tea, on the other hand, was more like his mother: elegant and serious. He relaxed over a cup as if drinking washed off his fatigue.
"Thank you," Kiyoshi said to Keima's mother who smiled gratiously, and went to rinse the cup and saucer. His mood had improved, a small smile blossoming on his lips.
When Kiyoshi turned, he found Keima staring questioningly from the table. True, it would be rude to throw him out, Kiyoshi thought. Actually, he didn't want leave yet but asking to stay over out of the blue was just as rude.
"Keima, what about a game? Do you mind, Kiyoshi-kun?" Keima's father asked, putting his cup down. He was a thin man, pepper hair styled back and giving a pleasant image of a homely father, if not older than most. Kiyoshi hadn't talked with him as much as Keima's mother. He didn't know much about him either, but he was Keima's influence for his love for shoji and he was the one who named him after a shogi piece, the knight.
Kiyoshi shook his head. "Go ahead." It was a weekly event at the Kirishima household and he didn't have the right to interrupt. Although he couldn't deny any game where strategizing was involved interested him. It might help him understand Kidou-san a bit more.
He watched the game in awe. Keima had improved. His moves had more thought put into them, and he could predict his father's two steps forward. Perhaps he would win this time.
After a whole hour, the winner was decided.
Keima threw his head on the table and groaned. "I was so close this time!"
Kiyoshi chuckled, comfortable in the homely ambiance of the house while laying his head on the cold wood. "GG (Good game)."
He made an effort to tilt his head at Keima's strange sideway glance as if the loss hadn't affected him.
The board was put away, and Keima's father left with a victorious smile.
"Yoshii," Keima said quietly, his voice firm and determined. He took his hand and pulled him to the porch. Kiyoshi's instincts told him it was a serious talk, something he didn't want his parents to interrupt and hear. It was a privilege to listen to Keima's troubles, for he lies through his teeth to convince you he's fine.
"We have to talk," he said without looking at him in the eye. His back looked lonely under the white streetlights, and Kiyoshi remembered Keima's happiness was an illusion. Not exactly, Keima is a happy person in the literal sense, but keeping that happiness meant shoving his troubles in a closet and forget about them.
So when he used that tone, Kiyoshi had to reciprocate. Even if his stomach was tied in a knot, even if he was shaking. The issue Keima was going to bring up. . . he was related to it.
"Okay." He sat on the small porch. Hachi-dan read the mood and laid beside him to ease his anxiety, quietly gazing between him and Keima. Kiyoshi had many reasons to love that dog, and this was one. Hachi-dan didn't pick sides. He was here for both.
Keima continued to look down deep in thought; it was a first.
"Our relationship back then. . . was unbalanced," he started. "I was overprotective and forced you to do things you didn't want to. I used you to fill the role Kin left. I was scared to be alone, to not be needed. I made you need me so you wouldn't leave me. You were right, I'm selfish. I don't help people for the sake of goodness or humility, but because it fulfills me." Keima chuckled hollowly as if admitting the void in his heart. "I'm a selfish knight."
Kiyoshi frowned, unable to meet Keima's eyes. Following the knight code was Keima's moral guide. It had been so since they before met. He had followed it like a religion until Kiyoshi came, destroying everything: back then when he told Keima to end his life, and gave him a convincing reason to do so, Kiyoshi mocked his choice of letting him live because he was scared to be alone again, not because he actually cared. It was against Keima's code to let someone who had hurt so many live. But the knight had failed to slay the dragon.
Kiyoshi's past and present opinions were in conflict, the truth he slapped Keima with, and the possibility he was wrong. But he was given an answer. It was the truth. Kirishima Keima was a person who is good because people reward goodness. But, Kiyoshi thought, is that kind of selfishness wrong?
"It is that bad that you help others because it makes you happy?" he asked timidly.
Keima looked at him, confused.
He felt a lump in his throat and lifted his head. "You are doing something for others, isn't fulfillment an acceptable compensation? It would be unfair if you get nothing from it, you know? And. . . you would help anyone, right? That much sacrifice needs an equal compensation."
Keima didn't have to fight off his bullies. He could have ignored him like everyone else.
Keima looked at the far wall. "A knight is selfless. He helps because it's the right thing, not because he expects compensation. What I'm doing is matching the compensation with the job itself." His voice steeled, making Kiyoshi doubt he was talking to his best friend. "I'm cheating."
"Then, are you going to give up?!" Kiyoshi's voice escalated.
Keima trembled, his face twisting in pain and remorse.
Kiyoshi gasped softly, a stake piercing his chest. He was always the one who put salt into the wound.
"What am I supposed to do?!" Keima yelled, "I'm a failure as a knight. Kin will never forgive me."
Kiyoshi gritted his teeth, unable to answer.
Keima hid his face in his hands. "Anyway, that's not what I want to talk to you about," he said, trying to act unfazed when he made an effort to control his emotions.
Kiyoshi gulped, caught red-handed, and averted his eyes for a second, then meeting Keima's intense gaze as if scrutinizing him.
". . . What I want to talk is about our past relationship." The topic was set, and there was no running away.
"O-okay." Kiyoshi's hands went cold, and he petted Hachi-dan for comfort.
He had done his own thinking, realizing their relationship was a mess. Kiyoshi was always the one who caused trouble, and Keima would forgive him. As Keima just admitted, he couldn't let go because he needed him. He would forgive everything and welcome him with open arms.
Naturally, Kiyoshi returned this time. The red oni had to be fed directly. Even if Keima was a sacrifice and would be hurt, even if he was being used likewise, Kiyoshi didn't stop himself. He used the last of his strength to push him away and end it for good, but Keima called, wasting his efforts and sealing his fate.
"We have to change a few things." Kiyoshi was pulled away from his head at the sudden proclamation. "I promised I wouldn't treat you as Kin anymore, so I won't overprotect you or force you to do things you don't want--"
"Wait, you weren't forcing me. If I didn't want to follow, I wouldn't have!"
"Do you think it's normal that I have to pull you around everywhere?! You would stay at home the whole day if I didn't go to get you, Kiyoshi!" Keima glared at him, making the hairs on Kiyoshi stood on an end.
It was scary. Keima was scary. This whole conversation scared him. Was that the way Kiyoshi looked at his opponents on the field, a mere look making them whimper in fear?
"I-I-I-" Tears started to well on the corners of his eyes. ". . .I'm sorry," he said between hiccups, quickly cleaning away the stream of tears as they warped his vision.
"Ah-no, I didn't mean. . ." Keima took a tissue from his pocket and reached out to his face, but stopped and extended it reluctantly. "Take it."
Keima was serious; his actions backed up his words. He would let Kiyoshi free. He would no longer stand in front of him, both protecting and covering him from the cruel world.
"I'm sorry for being happy thinking it was okay to be weak." Kiyoshi's words shook along with his body and he looked down in shame. "I have changed too." He took Keima's outstretched hand and pushed it back. "Thanks."
Keima returned the tissue to his pocket. "So we agree we have changed and have to change." There were so many 'change' in that sentence Kiyoshi wondered if he was being hypnotized. But Keima's vocabulary was limited, he told himself.
"Yeah, so many things have happened over the past year. But bad habits die hard." He chuckled.
Keima ruffled Kiyoshi's head. It was a dog kind of ruffling, messing up Kiyoshi's gold hair in a playful manner. "I won't change this." He gestured to the open hand that was between Kiyoshi's locks. "If you are worried about that." Keima's features fell the next moment. "Sorry for scaring you."
Kiyoshi shook his head and smiled weakly.
Keima continued. "I used to cut you off a lot, and never listened until you got angry." His voice lowered. "How can I. . . makeup all my past faults? I'll do anything." He wasn't joking. Anything was extreme, but he wasn't joking.
"I-I'm sorry for the way I acted back then. I was condescending and cocky. I pissed off a lot of people." Kiyoshi glanced inside the empty house. Keima was particular about envy. "I hurt you a lot of times, but you always welcomed me back. . . . Where those times. . . like this one. . . because you. . . need me?"
There was a slight hesitation in Keima's eyes. Kiyoshi was venturing into a prohibited territory, but if they were best friends, he should. . .
"I need you, not as Kin, as my best friend. You were always there in that month. I didn't reach out because I wanted you to fill that void, but to. . ." He looked down, his cheeks slightly tinted. ". . . Comple-I mean be happy. Yeah, that's it! Be happy together and share fun times. Be true friends." He nodded as if to convince himself.
But Kiyoshi heard it loud and clear. He completed Keima. His heart fluttered like a bird taking flight and his stomach was warm. Kiyoshi nodded. Likewise, Keima filled him, and that made him happy. He could never have enough of him. Perhaps they had natural chemistry--they were a pretty good combo in the field too--once he opened up to him, and their talks flowed naturally. Although there was tinkering to be done, their roles didn't change much because their cores were the same.
"True friends then." Kiyoshi grinned cheekily.
Keima relaxed, his eyes returning to that gentle gaze that took him to the past. However, they held a certain determination, and as he looked closer, hurt.
"Kei," Kiyoshi said softly, mind numbed with a new pleasure he found somewhat familiar. Perhaps the remnants of his feelings for him back then.
"Yeah?"
"Will you forgive me? Whenever I hurt someone I care about, I also get hurt." Kiyoshi blinked, the floor dyed in light became focused. "It hurts so much I hate myself."
"The scars won't leave," Keima said reluctantly. Kiyoshi's heart sank, but he accepted the answer. Of course, the consequences of his actions were grave enough to scar him for life. His sins were that deep. "But I can live with them, as long as we do things right." He smiled.
Kiyoshi's eyes fell. "The last time you promised with 'as long as', you got angry at me when I asked Itsuki for help." He understood change wasn't easy. They will make mistakes, but they were trying their best. They had to cover for each other.
Keima gasped. "That's true. I didn't notice at all. Then. . . I'll live with those scars." He nodded to himself.
"You know, it's very knight-y to mend your mistakes from the past." Kiyoshi gave him a genuine smile. "Even if you stray from the path, you have the right to try again."
Keima had said something similar to him. Kiyoshi had asked the reason he didn't kill him, and bursted into tears when Keima replied despite his sins he had the right to be happy.
Keima beamed and stood up, his vigor returning as if it never left. "That's true! I can't waver! Thanks, Yoshii."
Kiyoshi nodded, patting Hachi-dan. "Thanks for backing me up, Hachi-dan," he whispered when Keima entered the house. "I'll do my best."
He promised himself to mend his past mistakes in their relationship. But nothing was perfect, there were things he would always hold against Keima. Like the warm house and his optimism. In reality, Keima was the one who was right most of the time. Kiyoshi forced the harsh truths, hurting both parties.